My day and My Days

It's been a busy but not busy day if you follow me. I've had some sideline items to keep me occupied. I'm fighting to not stay in bed all day. I know it is a form of depression and a side effect of some of my condition, but it’s not a fun battle. I want to be better and stay that way, but I struggle on daily, and keep having backslides.
I don’t do too well in crowds, still. I have good days and bad ones, the slower things are the more likely it is going to be a bad day. I was not quite panicked at Lana's show but the crowds were wearing on my nerves. I also have trouble being alone, I get afraid. I don't know why.
I don't KNOW how to cope with some of the facts, like the fact I'll be on mind altering drugs the rest of my life because if I don’t take them, I start to see things that aren’t there. I know this is a classic problem of people with schizophrenia, but I want so badly to go off meds and just be normal. I know in my mind I won't be able to do it, that if I am not medicated, I will not be able to function, that Ill likely wind up in the hospital...but that tiny part of me says..."How do you KNOW you are really sick? What if its just the meds that are messing you up? " I wonder if maybe I've magically gotten all better in the mean time and the drugs are just wearing me down and holding me back. Again, My Higher Mind knows better....but the thoughts are never far from my mind.
And the depression is hard core. If I could get away with it, I’d spend most of my days in bed, most OF the day, that is. Already I go to bed at 8 or 9 PM and sleep till I can get up with the kids, and of late Angie has been doing more of that. I’ve had trouble getting up and taking care of them for the last few weeks.
I feel worthless and useless. I think I’ve come to the realization that I defined myself and who I was by what I did. I was Mr. Computer Dude, the go to man in my company and the world revolved around me. Now my world revolves around just making it though the day, and I tell you something, that’s not any way to live.
So it’s hard. I find little things to do during the day, and of late have spent some time working on some projects for other folks that have kept me busy, but I know it will take more than just a little sideline item to make me more normal. I know, or guess that maybe that’s not right, that what I do and who I am are not tied together, should not be one and the same in my mind. But it’s hard. I don’t know why, but it is.
Maybe someone out there can look at me and see what is going on from the outside and point things out that I don’t see. And don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful family; an amazing wife and two wonderful kids. But who am I? What am I? Why am I here? Those questions haunt me in ways they never have before. I feel at a loss.
Really this goes all the way back to when I first got sick and didn’t know what was going on. I felt that my self identity died, and was replaced by a hollow shell. I’m better now, but only in the sense that I have a good routine, and have come to terms with the fact I’ll never be the same again. So I guess that leaves the question of: “What WILL I be or what AM I?”
I don’t know, but I’ll keep on trying to find out.