Busy day

It's been a busy and productive day, I've accomplished a few goals I set for myself and got some work done.

I must say I think this new medicine routine is paying off, seems to be less time dealing with doldrums, more time being me.

Will keep the world posted.

Its another day

Like every day I've had my struggles, I have had some eye pain, strian, ect of late, and plan to go to see an eye doctor this week or next, hopefully its just time for new lenses.

I have a week till my next appointment with the Dr. who gives out medicines and I have to say the new meds and schedule for them has helped my depression some, but I'm going to talk to her about what is my real and true diagnosis, why I still sometimes have incidents of seeing things and altered mental states

Next time I have something strange happen, i will do my best to describe it that in that day's blog post.

Idle Ramblings

Why doesn't Microsoft make a Windows Live Environment CD? A bootable cd that will give you web surfing and basic file functionality and the ability to load one of the flavors of windows onto a device. It would rock if they did that.

Today has been a pretty blase day, nothing more interesting happening than a little time playing in the Battletech Sim in Second Life.

I hope you all are well, and the world is treating you right.

Good Night World

Boxing Day Greetings

Happy 26th everyone, and I hope you all had a good holiday. I've been dealing with a sick little girl, she has a mild cold and some allergy symptoms. We are keeping our eyes on her.

It has been a rather uneventful day, nothing much worth talking about has happened. I've played with the children and their new toys, we've watched a movie or 3, and in general had a decent day. We did go out to eat for breakfast this morning, nothing fancy just a quick meal of chicken biscuits, but it was together which is always good.

Xmas Day Greetings

I hope everyone had a good Xmas. Spent most of the day at the 'rents house haivng lunch and opening presents.
the kids had a good day lots of new toys and clothes and things to play with.

I had some epsisodes where the world went all surreal on me i saw a few flashes of things not really there, a mouse in a dress under the table. Why is it always Mice? so strange.
Good night world

Merry Christmas and Ceiling Cat

Merry Christmas everyone,
Here is a lovely Xmas news story for you.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091225/ap_on_re_eu/eu_vatican_christmas

I love how the attacker gets called mentally unstable but the guy in the dress who talks to an invisible man gets left alone.

Christmas Eve Eve

2 Days till Christmas, and we are done on shopping and craft making for everyone on our rather short list. I've been at an increased dose of the newest medicines for a day or 3 now and I'm feeling less anxious, but I'm still pretty blue. I guess its just a matter of over coming things, and I'll try. But it wouldn't kill me to get to sleep in tomorrow either.

Updates for today

Angie has a surgery scheduled for January 12, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
I got my Zyprexa levels upped and its helping me some. We'll have to see how a couple days worth of it goes.

another bad day

I didnt want to, no ... actually Refused to get up this morning, mad my wife and kids angry at me, was an ass to them in return. I dont know why i'm getitng down like this, I dont know what my problem is, i just want to sleep my life away, I count the hours till i can sleep again, If i had something to make me sleep i would take it, but i dont and i'm not going to GET something. I dont know whats going on but when i get a few rare moments of clarity, I dont LIKE it, not one bit.

No post is still a post

I don't feel like writing anything, I'm down and mixed up and light headed and i think my meds are mixed up. I dont know what to feel or how to be, i'm nervous and anxious.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Today was good, we had Allen and Charity here and I really enjoyed the time we spent together, they are really family and in every way that counts, my best friends in this world.

December 17th

Dearest Reader,

Greetings to you oh weary wanderer of the world wide web. I bring unto you salutations of joy at our meeting and offer you repose here in my humble campfire. The winds have once again rendered the paths we travel impassable and the ice hangs from the edges of the trees around us.

This day has seen such busy passages that I scarcely know where to begin my tales. I stopped at two, nay three separate markets to process a set of photographic archives for sending them onward to family, and at last found a vendor up to the task. However the time spent amongst the travels was not in vain, for my beloved heart and I did break our fast together at a fine dealer of foodstuffs and did partake in a wonderful luncheon of quickly prepared bread and meats. Toasted no less.

As the day progressed, long after stopping the greater part of the travels, I did find myself having the time to work upon an artistic venture, and did in fact finish a Painting to give to the dearest godparents of my children, a stark work of acrylic on canvas representing the notion of Family in symbols of the Kanji variety. This work lies near the fires, drying as we speak.

Tomorrow these dear people, our truest of family despite being not of our blood, shall join paths with us for some time and to THAT I greatly look forward.

My day soon ends with rest and ruminations upon the stars, the very fabri and nature of our world, and I shall sleep ponding the magnificance of it all.

Farewell Dearest Reader, May we again cross paths.

December 16th

Dearest Reader,

Where normally I would regale you with stories of my mad adventures and the bevy of wild and woolly characters I have dealt with on this days wanderings in the universe of the mad, I am now forced to bequeath unto you a simpler tale of a day spent amongst normal circumstances and events of an all together ordinary nature.
I had an appointment with the therapist today that went well, and day 3 of my new medicine has gone off with nothing more than a few mild tremors. I think perhaps I am on a better path.
Nothing new or more to say, and thus I teleport my self into a post zombie apocalyptic world for the destruction of our undead foes. AKA, I'm going to play some Left 4 Dead 2 with some buddies.

Today in my life

Angie had a Doctors appointment. No real news but a basic plan of action has been put into play. More tests and the like on schedule.

Day 2 of the new medicine schedule and so far so good. No major mood swings, no noticeable problems. Ive got an unrelated kink in my back and its giving me heck

Don't know what more to day, its been a day.

New Meds

So I went to Region 3 to my therapist session today and got taken off some meds and put on Prozac in a combination pill with other meds i take. I'm supposed to take them at night, not in the day, and discontinue use of Paxil and Zypreka Standalone. Here is hoping this get me in a better mood and in better overall shape.

I don't like being on lots of medications and this reduction helps me feel better about what I take but I AM afraid that the change may be bumpy. We'll have to see how it goes.

Angie had a doctors appointment today and her blood levels are up and she is not bleeding anymore so she's actually feeling a bit better, or at least better about the situation. She has an OBGYN appointment tomorrow and they should tell us more about when they want her to look at surgery, hysterectomy. I wish she didn't have to do it at all but it seems as though it may be the best option to keep her levels normal. I just don't like any of us having to go under the knife, Doctors worry me in general.

I haven't mentioned this before...

I thought it not polite to speak of this item. My wife has been sick, in regards to female problems, for the last month. Drs. seem rather unable to be of much help and she's lost so much blood they had to transfuse her. Its been hard on her, and she feels very week and tired. This likely is a contributing factor to my recent battle with depression. I count on my wife, my beloved, to be my rock and my foundation. The thing is, I probably rely too much on her strength, let it hold too much of me. I need to be more stable on my own feet.

All I've wanted to do for a while now is sleep, or if not sleep, lie down quietly and rest. It takes all the strength I have to be up and about. And my mornings are horrible, I try to wake up with the kids but I just keep falling back to sleep, I'm of no help what so ever. I promise to try to do better.

I can not point to a thing, a singular item or event that has me in this down turn. I don't know if there even is a reason, if it's not fully chemical. I just want to be asleep, away from the world for a bit, with no time to have to try to kill.

This mindset, and my own addictive nature has gotten me in trouble before. Several months ago I had a problem with over the counter and prescription sleep aides. I owned up to my problem and haven't taken either since, but part of me wants to, part of me just wants to sleep the days away. I don't know why but it is there.

And I think I'm doing ok...as far as curbing the desire to sleep on my own. NOT fixed, not even good, but OK, as in 50% good. I don't know how to fight it off. I'm unsure as to what to do about it. I see my new therapist on Monday so maybe we can decide whats going on.

My day and My Days

It's been a busy but not busy day if you follow me. I've had some sideline items to keep me occupied. I'm fighting to not stay in bed all day. I know it is a form of depression and a side effect of some of my condition, but it’s not a fun battle. I want to be better and stay that way, but I struggle on daily, and keep having backslides.
I don’t do too well in crowds, still. I have good days and bad ones, the slower things are the more likely it is going to be a bad day. I was not quite panicked at Lana's show but the crowds were wearing on my nerves. I also have trouble being alone, I get afraid. I don't know why.
I don't KNOW how to cope with some of the facts, like the fact I'll be on mind altering drugs the rest of my life because if I don’t take them, I start to see things that aren’t there. I know this is a classic problem of people with schizophrenia, but I want so badly to go off meds and just be normal. I know in my mind I won't be able to do it, that if I am not medicated, I will not be able to function, that Ill likely wind up in the hospital...but that tiny part of me says..."How do you KNOW you are really sick? What if its just the meds that are messing you up? " I wonder if maybe I've magically gotten all better in the mean time and the drugs are just wearing me down and holding me back. Again, My Higher Mind knows better....but the thoughts are never far from my mind.
And the depression is hard core. If I could get away with it, I’d spend most of my days in bed, most OF the day, that is. Already I go to bed at 8 or 9 PM and sleep till I can get up with the kids, and of late Angie has been doing more of that. I’ve had trouble getting up and taking care of them for the last few weeks.
I feel worthless and useless. I think I’ve come to the realization that I defined myself and who I was by what I did. I was Mr. Computer Dude, the go to man in my company and the world revolved around me. Now my world revolves around just making it though the day, and I tell you something, that’s not any way to live.
So it’s hard. I find little things to do during the day, and of late have spent some time working on some projects for other folks that have kept me busy, but I know it will take more than just a little sideline item to make me more normal. I know, or guess that maybe that’s not right, that what I do and who I am are not tied together, should not be one and the same in my mind. But it’s hard. I don’t know why, but it is.
Maybe someone out there can look at me and see what is going on from the outside and point things out that I don’t see. And don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful family; an amazing wife and two wonderful kids. But who am I? What am I? Why am I here? Those questions haunt me in ways they never have before. I feel at a loss.
Really this goes all the way back to when I first got sick and didn’t know what was going on. I felt that my self identity died, and was replaced by a hollow shell. I’m better now, but only in the sense that I have a good routine, and have come to terms with the fact I’ll never be the same again. So I guess that leaves the question of: “What WILL I be or what AM I?”
I don’t know, but I’ll keep on trying to find out.

Some random thoughts

Sounds tend to tie to memories in ways we don't expect. I have a knack for catching a voice in a crowd and finding I know the owner More often than that, I can recognize voice actors on TV shows and cartoons.
I bring this up to mention that lack of sound and silence also has its own texture. Or, more specifically lack of particular sounds. I wake up sometimes when the wife is out of the bed, missing the sound of her breathing. When the kids are "up to something" is when they get too quiet. You hear a lack of sounds outside when something is wrong.
Sound is a tangible thing with a texture, many layered and the whole is more than the sum of its parts. This is true of good music as well.
I know this has no real bearings on what the goal set of my blogs are, but sometimes I just want to rant and not talk about specifics. Happy day to all

Busy few days

I've had a busy few days and havent updated. I know, I'm a bad naughty blogger and should be drawn and quartered.
Some of the things i've done instead.
Reading a copy of the Book "The Road"
Watching www.revision3.com shows
Watching the Obama weekly video posts.
Went tonight and saw my lovely daughter sing in her FIRST EVER Christmas program. I caught that on video and will have it uploaded to Youtube tomorrow.
That plus other trivial thing.
No excuse though, and I'll post more and blog more indepth tomorrow.

BTW, 3/4 of the way though and the Road is very addictive

Christmas Lights

So today has been a very Santa filled day. We started the day of with Breakfast with Santa at the Mall in Tupelo, both the kids and my niece and they got to see a VERY impressive Mr Claus. They got little chicken biscuits and we bought some too. It was a pretty spiffy little event, with the Grand Elf himself going table to table to talk to the children.
After a bit of shopping and some lunch (from which we were able to bring home supper) we stopped by Walmart for More Santa and pics. Later on we went to the Fulton Marina and got to see the christmas lights on the boats, all shiny and great. Its been a good day with the kids.

I also have been watching some tech TV style shows I've downloaded LEGAL AND FREE via my new bit torrent application, VUZE. Pretty handy little frog.
I ate way to much today, we got Mexican, but I got two whole meals off 1 order so its not THAT bad. I'm counting walking up and down the docks and the ramps at the waterway as my walking for the day.
Its so cold, but I wish it would snow, just to be able to play in it.
Well thats the news thats fit to print anyway.
Happy Day all

I skipped out on posting last few days

Because I've been pretty busy with other things. Did my walk today AT the mall of all places, crazy right. We were there to pick up tickets to Breakfast with Santa and got there early, so we walked the mall to get my exercise in. THE other reason that i've been slack is because I found bad sectors on my hard drive and had to replace it and reload my computer. This is the third time I've had to do this with drives form HP, I'm really unhappy with the quality I've been dealing with from them.
ANYWAY, back to finishing up my relaod.
Later all

Missed yesterday

I missed posting yesterday and didn't do much tweeting yesterday or today. Nor did I do the daily walk. It's been windy and cold and raining all day today so that's the walking excuse, but I have a more realistic reason.
Two buddies of mine bought Left 4 Dead 2 for me. It would have been after the first of the year before I could play it waiting on my budget to catch up with my expenses. So I spent the majority of both days killing zombies.
The other thing I didn't do enough of yesterday was pay attention to my wife. Yesterday was our 11 year anniversary and even though we already had our anniversary date, I SHOULD have been more attentive to her and her needs. I know you will read this baby, so here it is, in print, on top of all the other statements I made yesterday. I am a stupid jerk and I'm sorry. I love you with all my heart and soul and you are my one and only and everything.
I'll try to do better on everything tomorrow. Remember, these goals and statements are designed to help make me a better person and if I dont live up to them, I'm only hurting myself.

Black Friday Post

So I did NO shopping, no hunting and waiting for bargains and no kind of leaving home at all. Watched some movies with the kids, and caught the last 3 episodes of CHUCK, which means now I need to get all the previous ones.
I DID however do a bit of tweeting and I did double my normal walking. I'm going to keep up at that pace for at least a week, then move it up again. If I'm not challenging myself, I'm not doing much good.
WOW, Chuck is an awesome show. I'd caught an episode or two before, disjointed and separate from the story as a whole, and was interested, so I took the eve and watched 3 eps. AWESOME. I love how he goes all NEO at the end of Season 2.

Happy Thanksgiving

I'll get to the typical what I am thankful for later

We went to my mom's house today for Thanksgiving lunch with the family, My mom and stepdad, My Sister and her husband and daughter, Me Angie and the Kids, and my Aunt Barbra was there too. It was a pretty good day but I spent the whole time in near panic mode for no reason at all. I walked up to the road and back like 3 time which is a pretty good bit of walking considering how long and winding their driveway is. I'd equate my trips to half a mile or so.
I had no REASON to be panicy and withdrawn, there wasn't a big crowd, no real stressors but I was very shaky inside and didn't feel comfortable till after nearly everyone was gone. I finally melded into the group and we watched some Stupid Crook show on tv. I DID manage to get their DVD player hooked up to their nice new flat-screen and showed them how to swap between it and the satellite reviver.
I realize that part of why I get uncomfortable is pure fear reaction even to a small crowd but I'd been doing pretty well at that of late, I guess the added stress of it being a holiday just did me in.
I am VERY thankful for my family and I do mean all of them. My wife is so very supportive and is the rock of my foundation. My two wonderful and amazing children are my hope and courage. I may not have had the most solid and traditional happy childhood, but I have come to understand that despite the fact I spent my first 20 some odd years trying my best to get away from them, I do love my family and need them in my life.
Thanks to all of you out there who mean something to me, you know who you are. My strength is only as good as my support and I have some great supports out there if I will just break down and lean on them.
Have a blessed/merry/happy Day to everyone

No good excuse

I've been off track since well before my last post. I'd been a bit sick and got way down in the dumps, in some serious self loathing depression. Yes I know I am too blessed with a great family, a loving and wonderful wife, two awesome children, and good friends to let myself get that way but it happens. Sometimes I swear its chemical that nothing I do can fix it.

Anyway I walked today, I've been good on posting both here and twitter and facebook.
Y'all are all great people, and you know who I'm talking to.
Somebody needs to call me IM me whatever when I miss days, get on my case.

I am thankful for my family, for my good friends, and for the life I have, and the days I have ahead.

Bad Me

So I've not been doing as well on posting, got a bit sick and well, just didn't do a good job of meeting my goals. I've had some more trouble with the shortness of breath and the wheezing and heart pain, so I'm pretty sure its all Cardio, after the visit to the Lungs doctors didn't turn up anything useful. Seem to be on the receiving end of life's abuse stick of late.
I often wonder where I went so wrong.

The Last few days

Busy outside the house the last few days so no updates. I have been reading some of the required materials (and taking notes from them) for the Python course at MIT.
What I've NOT been doing is the walking. I'm in a self defeating cycle where by I don't feel like walking due to the shortness of breath, but walking would help me get in better shape and overcome some of the related issues. I'm slightly worried that the shortness of breath and tightness of chest is cardio related, but maybe I'll be lucky and its just the fact I'm old and fat.

You know, I've said this elsewhere but it bares repeating; Science is really cool. Today I went through the APOD(astronomy picture of the day) section of images I have on rotation on my desktop. The stars are beautiful and mysterious, even when we know so much about them. I really do believe that we should be working much harder to get ourselves "off the doomed rock" that is our home. THAT being said; we should redouble our rather meager efforts to clean up said rock and remove some of the doom.

Did some yard saleing and bargin shopping in the last two days. We got a lot of books, inculding "The Sphere" and a handbook on industrial electronics. Tonight at Hudson's Dirt Cheap in Amory, we got several of the Elven Figurines from THIS SET http://www.schleich-s.de/en/playground/elfenwelt.php?lang=2 Got 6 of them to be exact, plus another Knight Figure, this one standing up holding a sword, as opposed to the ONE we already had, a Knight mounted with jousting lance. The details on these are awesome, and we got them at 60% off. Its a splurge but it is the month of our anniversary and we get to have fun sometimes too.

That's all I have to say for now, I'll try to do more in general tomorrow, and focus on getting some more work done in the Python Class, work on the assignments.
Chaio

Not all goals met today

Due to an onset of wheezing and shortness of breath, I didn't take the time to do my walk today. Yes I am shamed, I'm sorry for letting us down.
Otherwise I've been on top of things.
Watched the next lecture in the Python Programming class and took notes. I also worked some of the examples.
I've been good on Twitter tweets Posted the blog on time and some early posts as well. I feel I'm doing a marginally decent job on my goals, and plan to add to them as time moves on.
Tried to get the test results form my tests, and am a bit worried. They didn't want to give me an answer till the doctor saw them. If all tests were clear and fine, you think they'd tell you all was well. This waiting is NOT conducive to good feelings.
AS for the the wheezing and such, it started yesterday a few hours after the test and lasted all yesterday and most of today. Bothersome this is, as it gets in the way of other things.

MIT Open Courseware update

Just read Chapters 1 and 2 in the Python book, ("Thinking like a computer scientist") taking a play break before watching the second lecture.

Goal for the Day

I walked a good bit @ the hospital, crossed the whole place twice, but I didn't do any regular walking. I've not been home that much so my Tweet count was low, and I'm just now getting to my blog post for the day. Plan to listen to some more Carl Sagan at bedtime so that will cover the educational info for the day, but in general it's not been a good day for goals.

I had a really good lunch wiht the wife and daughter at D'Casa, a Mexican restaurant we had not tried in a while, very good buffet, you could even get fajitas ON the buffet, cooked fresh just for you.

Goals for the day met

I've completed the goals for today.
This plus an earlier blog post. More than 5 tweets about what I've done. Watched a Computer Science Lecture from MIT OpenCourseware
Just had a good dinner with the family.
Walked 1/4 mile, with my wife no less
Over all i've had a good day but I am both restless and sleepy at the same time. I get stuck in ruts of doing the same old thing which is really nothing but killing time. I need more to do in a given day. Hopefully the MIT courseware item will be a fulfilling set of actions I can commit to.

MIT Open Courseware

I just watched and took notes to a One Hour Introduction to Programming course from MIT's open course ware website. The language on display is Python. I plan to study it daily from now on.

Monday November 2 2009

Had a yummy breakfast prepared by my lovely wife, Sausage and pancakes. Then went and walked my 1/4 of a mile walk early, so maybe I'll feel skippy tonight and walk it again.

Welcome to my Journal

New set of goals for myself, Ongoing

1. Blog Post every Day, at least 5 Sentences about how I feel and What I've Done today. Do this in the early Mornings or 5 PM to organize my day.
2. Twitter Post 4 times a day, one may be a link to the blog post of the day.
3. Walk Every day, at least 1/4 mile, work up to longer in a short period of time.
4. Update these goals in the blog, and add new ones as time moves on.
5. Watch one Educational video or audio cast per day.


I am counting on my friends, family, and followers to keep me on top of these goals, call me out if I screw up or miss out.