Its been a long while

Since I last posted. Sorry about that folks. Its been a hectic and at times difficult month. I've been down some, well a lot in the dumps. I have a podcast, focusing on music about mental illness ready to record, but I just havent felt up to recording it. Maybe I'll do it sometime tomorrow or the next day. Good night world.

Monday Post

I'm posting. LoL sure thats not a real post but its a path way to a post. I'm working on content for a new podcast, about Mental Illness and the like. I hope to have it posted Friday. It wont be podsafe but it should be good I hope.

Circus, outings and updates

Took the kids to the Circus on Thursday, and we all had a blast, lots of Fun, and Allen and Charity came with us. It was good seeing them, I wish we had more time to hang out with them and such.
Today we went to the Whitten center and park area and had a little picnic for dinner/supper. it was fun, the kids enjoyed themselves and it was nice quiet time with the family. I'm still feeling anxious and nervous a good deal of the time. Don't know where it comes from but it's here on a regular basis.

Tired today

Been kinda sleepy today but i havent laid around in bed or napped any. I've gone to the store to get some medicine for the small girl, as well as ran a few other errands. I did lounge a bit to read but I consider that productive. Its been a decent day.
Reading Percy Jackson and the Olypians, the Lightning Thief, and its been enjoyable the first few hundred pages anyway.

Well I'm Up

and moving around, getting a snack of some sort to keep me going. We are taking the small girl back to the doctor to check on her spots again. Hopefully the Dr. will say she's fine and then we'll take her on to school.
ELSE we go see another dr about what the next steps are .

Bad Morning, better afternoon

I had a rough morning with me not wanting to get back up after the kids saw their baskets. I have a lot of trouble getting going in the mornings, I fought with my wife, we argued a good bit. after noon and after i got up. we hid eggs for the kids, which was fun for them. Later we took them to the riverwalk and flew kites for a while, blew bubbles too. we then went out to eat mexican, followed by coming home to play outside a bit more, it was fun.
as far as the morning goes, i really think i'm not getting quality sleep. I still wake up a bunch at night, and i don't feel rested when i wake up. Excuses maybe but its the truth, I dont think I'm getting quality sleep, even with my Sleep Apnea machine. Maybe the settings on it need adjusting, maybe I need something else to help me sleep, maybe something is just out of whack with me, who knows.

Busy couple of days

That's helped me stay active and up and out going, with all the going out and the like.
Still having lots of issues getting my days going, and still having problems of what to do when I run out of internet before i run out of day. I feel like that guy in the commercial that says "I'm done, i've finished the internet". I'm supposed to do more away from the computer things, and I've done some out side the home bits last few days, and I have a plan to try to get myself slowly reaclimated to the hussle of college life. I am going to email my professors and see if i can use the Computer labs and maybe audit a class or two , the last Half of classes anyway till summer, just to get over some of this agoraphobia. It was my wife's idea. See I DID marry the smart one.
Seems there is going to be a new Boatman in the world, congrats go out to Andy and Melissa on the soon to be new addition to the family.

My leg got better

My leg and hips are improving, i'm getting better every day. I'm still fighting a depressive cycle, don't know what to do to get over it. I'm just down for no reason, and its not fun.
But what was fun was watching an episode of Nathan Fillion in Castle, damn good show, think i'm going to go find more episodes to watch soon.

I'm Seriously Hurting

this pain in my hip is getting steadily worse, I don't like it one bit, I'm tired of hurting, its a pain (pun intended). I go back to the dr. this coming monday. I'm having issues walking, i have a limp when i walk and i stumble alot when i first stand up, or have to put weight on that leg. Its damned annoying

Decent enough day

some problems with my hip, its getting weaker all the time. We went to Tupelo to visit my mother at Hobby Lobby and went out to eat, it was a pretty good day. I'm still haivng trouble getting going in the morning, I've been down pretty low of late.

Its been a sleepy hazey day

Hard to get started, hard to get going, hard to keep moving, i've spent most of my day just struggling to get by. I'm getting into a rut, and need to find something to do with my time. I'm open to suggestions. help me please

not the best of days

I've not rested well recently, and last night was worse over all. Also been a very shakey day for me, lots of tremors. I'll be going to bed fairly early tonight.

//// Regular Matches ////
S:70 House of Davion 13796 vs No Mercy Black 100000 vs Snow Raven 0 + 1,000 (1,000) (5:45 PM)
House Davion, with Clan No Mercy Black as back up support, dropped into sector 70 ready for an epic battle. However when they arrived, they found only a small contingent of 2 Snow Raven Pilots. This small force, however, put up a fight that the people of Oliam, the capital city of Sector 70 will remember for a while. The Defending Snow Ravens put up a good fight but with no defense shielding, and only two pilots, the end game was inevitable. Davion pilots quickly took out the pilots, and then overran the base.
Davion Warriors go Marching on.

/// Auto Wins ///
S:71 House of Davion 10,000 Snow Raven 0 (No PM-ish.. cuz it's an auto win.. LoLZS!)
In yet more Davion News, House Davion drop ships landed a full brigade on Sector 71's main Planet, Chiron Beta Prime, (where we are working in the mines) but found NO Snow Raven forces in Defense, and quickly took over the primary sector base.

//// Terra Match ////
S:57 Snow Raven 75556 - 20000 (55556) vs Draconis Combine 54675 - 20000 (34675) vs Terra Defence Network 285,000 - 20000 (265,000) (6PM-ish)

I'll post when I'm done

I have some MCM Battletech fights going on tonight and I will be reporting. I'll post the result as a creative Writing sample when I am done.

I get the impression this is a cycle

I keep missing day, so I'll blog this morning and then again tonight.
Yesterday wasn't much of a day event wise. We sent to the grocery store, did some basic needs shopping, and came home.
Of late I've been having trouble getting up in the morning, to the point it takes my wife being rather mean to get me up. Not so much yesterday and today but that is just because I felt a bit better. I can't promise this will be good from here on. we shall see.

oops, missed a day

Ok, so to make up for that fact I'll try to be less than brief with today's post.
Yesterday was a pretty uneventful day, not a lot happened. Today me and the son finished watching the last of Season 10 of Stargate SG1. We have been watching them together, in order for some time now, and now we can begin on the movies, and then we plan to watch all the Stargate Atlantis.
I've been doing some creative writing work with my good friend who is helping me by giving me writing assignments. I think we are going to work on some joint creative effort in the near future, sounds like fun.
Have a good night world, and I'll try to remember to post tomorrow.

A writing Sample

Ok, instead of creating a new blog post all of my own, I'm going to post the writing I did for MCM Systems GNN reporting on the IN GAME Clan Matches
GNN Match Coverage
Items in bold are the Match information, the main contents are what I wrote based on the actions in the game. Whilst the matches are in some ways repetitive, I tried to add color to the events.


S:96 Ordo Imperialis 12,470 House of Davion 11,030 + 300 (11,330) (4:30PM)

The Ordo Imperialis landed on S:96 looking for a fight, and House Davion, with their base protected by a heavy shield and fielding 2 Wastelander Class Mechs among others, was ready to give them one. Though OI was able to get a few rounds of Artillery their first wave was beat back. That didn’t last for long though, as OI attacked again and again, gaining and loosing footholds over and over again. Fortunately for the Davion pilots their shields held until the last moments, and the base was saved.



S:58 House of Davion 15,680 Ordo Imperialis 20,462 + 1,000 (21,462) & DC 5800 (5:00PM)
In other news, House Davion attacked the Ordo Imperialis stronghold of S:58. Having previously fortified this position with base shielding, Ordo also brought the allied clan of Draconis Combine, ready to give Davion a black eye and send them home. The battle focused on the shield generators and Davion ran wave after wave of bombardments to the generator until it came down. To compensated the Ordo and DC pilots quickly spread out and found the attackers, giving them a good run for their money. Faced with this and technical difficulties, Davion was held at bay for a significant portion of the battle. The battle raged across the cityscape, Davion Pilots looking worse for the wear, eventually foled to the defending force and retreated.


S:71 Snow Raven 5,000 House of Davion 11,000 (5:30PM)
In a surprise move, Snow Raven Clan forces dropped into S:71 on a unwary but well fortified Davion stronghold. SR dropped a heavy firestorm of artillery early and often, doing maximum damage to the shield generator, destroying it relatively quickly. They then turned their attention to capturing the base. Whilst Davion was able to hold the area around the base, nothing could stop the artillery drops form hitting the base repeatedly. Davion leader Ender Hanner broke loose from the main battle to chase down the remote bombers, but it was to little to late as Snow Raven took the base by storm.


S:44 Draconis Combine 25,004 & House Steiner 30,000 Vs PsychoHatchet Rydas 34,330 + 1,000 (35,330) (6:00PM)
Rydas was ready and waiting, shields to maximum, turrets at the ready when the combined forces of Draconis combine and House Steiner came knocking at the doorway to Sector 44. An Epic battle began, with both sides feilding full complements of pilots and a variety of mechs. At first the focus by DCMS and Steiner was the sheild generator, which quickly fell. Fighting then began in earnest, with the base as the central point of it all. The sky shown bright with the laser fire, explosives filled the air. Truly this was a battle for the ages. After much contention, Rydas was again able to clame control of the upper levels, protecting thier base from direct enemey fire. Whilst the attacking forces were able to get off several artillary barrages, Ryda was able to defend the base till the very end.


/// Auto Win ///
S:82 House of Davion 9,000 Snow Raven 0
House of Davion Pilots Arrived at S:82 ready for a battle, but found no defending forces around for the fight. As such, they took control over the sector without having to fire a shot.

Visit

My mom came to visit today, it was a good visit. She came and we just sat and talked about life in general, the kids, my pregnant sister and her funny child. We went out to eat, and came back home and chatted some more.

Its been a rough day for me, I've had some pain, but worse, I've had some shaky spells and that is no fun what so ever. I'm going to go to bed early and hopefully sleep it all off.
Good night world.

the kids are home for spring break

So spring break starts today, and the kids are already riled up thinking they are going to be lazy all week. But I have a surprise for them, we are going to get their rooms in tip top shape over the next week, and when that's done, we will find even more things for them to do. Not that they won't get to stop and have fun, but the rooms are long over due for a major makeover.

Whoops,

I really didn't mean to let this much time skip between blog posts, and I am sorry for that. I've been fighting some pain in my back and hips, and it looks like its a nerve that got pinched, but its getting better slowly. I'll use the excuse of being on pain pills and muscle relaxers as why I haven't blogged lately, but that's only part of it, I just got lazy.

Shopping and such

We ran though town today and paid the basic bills, made some needed phone calls and ran basic errands. Its been tough doing much walking while my hips/legs are hurting but its been bearable enough.

We went out for Mexican food for supper and it was pretty good, not the best but not bad either. Fulton has just so few choices on anything that picking a place to eat is more like settling on the least bad choice. Every place there is has been done to death by us. Just gets old real fast especially when you are basically getting the same meal each time you go, so little option for diversity.

So I have blogged several times on time of late and I hope to keep that going, but of course I make no promises to be perfect, in fact I am quite sure I wont be any where near perfect, but I'll try to post every other day at least if not EVERY day.

I'm looking at making some decisions about my future over the next little bit of time, seeing what paths make the most sense when it comes to what to do with my days and my future. A good part of me says go back to school and make it stick. To some degree I think I should take advantage of this time to work more creatively. I've even entertained notions of building my own small computer business, though I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for that step just yet.

So much time, so little to do you know?

been a bad day

My hips are really getting to me today, i've had to take like 3 pain pills, its really annoying being doped up.

I'm getting to a point in my life where I need a direction, something to do with my time. so I'm going to start doing creative writing projects, and give myself deadlines
I'm open to suggestions, but Lets start slow and move on from there.

Life goes on, and so do we

Just how we do it is no mystery

Poetic as it is, its from the Golden Girls theme song.

I've been reading up on works of Taoism and Taoist Philosophy
ways of better blending with the world around me. I'm reading some primmers and plan to buy some of the historical texts soon. I have always had an interest in this so this is as good as a time as any to get started.

wish me luck all.

Another day goes by

So today has been not very eventful. I've had some shakey spells, some hip pain to boot so not been the best of days. I'm making it through though and that is all one can expect out of things. I need to find something to fill my days, a hobby or project or something to take up some of my time. I'm open to suggestion so somebody tell me a good idea, Please.

Not much to say

I don't have a bunch to say. I've been fighting some hip pain for a while now and I've been to the doctor. They saw nothing big on x-ray so they are treating it like a muscle problem, giving me anti-inflammatory meds and something for pain. I'm not a happy camper about this but I do what I have to.

I've not blogged since Sunday and that is not a good thing, I need to buckle down and blog more regularly. This is part of my treatment, journaling my days. So here is one down, and I'll try to do better over the coming days.

TTFN Tata for now.(to quote T-i Double Ga Er)

The Remains of the day, and such

I know i've used that title before but it seems fitting. I slept in and then slept a lot of my day away. I was running a pretty good fever for the first half of the day. I'm feeling better now, and staying up late to make up for the long sleep. My throat is sore, and i'm getting pretty tired.
I go to the Dr. tomorrow about my hip and I'll have them look at my throat.

Good night world, I hope tomorrow finds everyone in a better place.

Looking Brighter

the days are starting to look less bleak for me. I'm Struggling to make every day be better. I still have a lot of trouble getting going in the mornings. I try to sleep at night but I don't feel rested in the mornings.

I don't feel as bleak as I did. Maybe there is a path out of the darkness. maybe I can find it and work my way along it. I just don't know how long it will take.

Howdy Everyone

Its been a pretty good day, and I talked to my doctor and got some minor changes to my meds which will I think help with the anxiety.

So I'm thinking, what next?

I'm Reading Tao of Pooh and looking at a video of T'ai Chi so maybe that is the path to getting better, a bit of Taoism. We shall see what comes of it.

A day again

Another day goes by, and today has been pretty good.

I have struggled with anxiety and nerves but its still has been a good day. The kids are at my Mom's house and me and the Mrs have watched a couple of movies, overall a good day.

I'm Sick

Pitty me world for i have the crud. I sniffle and cough

Its not been the best of days

Nor, I should add has it been the worst either. Its just been a day, and I have to learn to deal with each day as it comes, in its own manner.
I've been a bit down today, and fighting this cough/cold bug thingy too so that's never fun.

The Hospital

I spent from Monday till Saturday in the Behavioral Health Center. It wasn't fun but I think I got some good advice and the help I needed to get started down a healthier path. I had some adjustments and outright changes made to my medications.

Currently My diagnosis is Major Depressive with Psychosis. I'm going to study and learn up on this diagnosis and make a booklet/binder with my med charts, what is wrong with me, what my symptoms are and information about how and where to get help.

Sunday and Consequences

Sunday i had a bad day I took a bunch of pills to go to sleep without concern for how my family would feel or what the end result would be, including not waking up. Of this i am ashamed but i don't know how to help myself. I need help, i need something I'm not getting now, and I don't know what that is.
Today I go see my therapist, but i have a bag packed to go to the Behavioral health center. I'll likely be on suicide watch the first day or so. I hate having to do this but maybe it's what is best for me.

Play time with Daddy

I got to spend some play time alone with my baby girl today and that was fun. We did an arts and crafts project where we made a bouncy ball. We played some computer games, and watched movies together
It was a ton of fun

I'm fighting some kind of head cold or something and its kicking my but, wont be up late tonight

the day in review

I've lounged around on the couch and did pretty much nothing.. I'm just tired and all I want to do is sleep and let the day slip by me.

I feel lost

Like i have no place to go and no purpose in being. i'm rather tired of this feeling.

Another day goes by...again

So yesterday I left a part time job I had been working at on and off for the last month or two. In the last few weeks it was looking like it would turn into something serious. But the stress of it was making me vomit daily, and the anxiety I felt was getting to the point I was seeing things again.

So now I'm back to finding ways to fill my days. I need an outlet.

Happy Birthday to my Bear Cub

I can't believe it but he's 11 years old today, how about that? He keeps growing up and keeps being surprisingly smart and inventive and creative. My boy is great, and no I'm not just a biased dad, I know he's a kind hearted smart kid.

The Remains of the day, and such

So in THIS post I get to recount the wonderful things that have happened to me today.

It started out that i was seeing the gravelings again, you know the little smokey gremlin dudes that crawl at the corner of you sight and cause mayhem and mischief, (as seen on the lovely show Dead Like Me). Then I had a hard shakey spell at my lunch break. More odd flashes of things through out the day. Another bad set of shakes at the restaurant for dinner and more solid flashes of things not there.

I saw a car flash into a dragon (like lightning striking quickly and i saw the dragon, but there was no lightning. Then I flashed on some odd things, the feeling of dread and doom overwhelmed me. I've been feeling like there is a great hairy beast following me breathing down my neck and I think I just saw a fish floating in the kitchen. I've taking the anti-psychotic for it but I'm not feeling overwhelmingly better, and it has had time to take effect. We shall see what happens next

Happy Birthday to my wonderful Girls

Today is the Joint Birthday of both my Beloved wife and my little angle daughter(ok, with devil horns but still). The wife is I can't tell and the baby girl is 5 whole years old, wow where did the time go. I love them both so very much and hope they had a good day. We went to O'Charleys and had a nice dinner.

I stayed pretty busy with my outside ongoing project I can't talk about. See the next blog posting about that and its results.

a busy day

I've been swamped with things todo today. busy busy busy. Watched "Snakes On a Plane" finally horribly bad, so bad its good in fact. I expected a lot more f-bombs but was disappointed.
Tupelo now has a Good Will Book Store. We spent some time there today, I picked up an item or two, including a collection of short works by Roger Zelasny. Doing some reading of that now.

today

Today has been mostly better than previous days, mostly because i was busy all day long. Keeping busy helps.

I've been pretty sick at my stomach, lost my lunch and didnt eat much for supper. I'm heading to bead early to rest, tomorrow is another long day.

Depression

I'm spiraling into another depressive cycle and its getting worse daily. I dont want to get out of bed, i give my family hell for expecting me to be with them instead of napping, and it just keeps getting worse. I'm calling my therapist in the morning and asking for some kind of help.

I need help, and I just dont know where to get it. Its not in me anymore, the strength I used to have is all sapped.

Hello world

Its yet another day for me, struggling with feeling worthless and just wanting to lie around and do nothing, its hard.

I know they sound like excuses but I really do think I'm not right on my meds, that the meds I'm on are not enough or the right ones. All I want is to sleep. I judge my day by how long i have to stay up.
Why am I like this? what is the point of it, and how do i get better?

I've been told i dont act like i want to get better, but i dont know HOW to get better, i really dont

Another day goes by

Another day goes by me,
Another day slips away
I wonder what it will be
What fate will roll for me today.

I struggle daily with the feeling
That I am not worth a damn
That my existence has no meaning
That my life is just a sham

I wonder if I can keep on standing
I wonder how I've made it through
I Look back at my beginning
I don't see a single clue

I don't know where I'm going
I can't remember where I've been
I don't know what my cards are showing
I don't know where this will end

Angie's Surgery

Angie, my much beloved wife, had surgery today. It was an outpatient but still a pretty big deal. Surgery was very fist thing this morning, around 7 am and we came home by Noon. She's doing ok, but very sore and tired. I feel pretty bad for her, and am going to try to get her to go to bed early and get some rest.
She's my rock, and now I need to be her's

I been down so low

I've been pretty far in the dumps yesterday and today, I don't have any energy and just want to lay about doing nothing. I don't think this new medicine routine is helping me any.

I need to call and see if they can do something else, this stuff just seems to be keeping me down.

It's Cold

its 17 degrees and its cold. I've been fighting getting sick all day and I hope I can feel better.

I have so much i need to do, but no time or energy to do it.
I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a couple days, I know there is no excuse.

Change being the only constant...

So I talked to my Therapists/Doctor today. I need to make some changes. First thing to do is move the computer OUT of the bedroom so that I'm not isolating myself from the family and the world all the time. Having the computer in the kitchen is not what I wanted but we do what we need to do in order to progress. Progress is what I need right now, I've felt alot like I was moving backwards, getting worse and not better.

The next big change is to get myself on a regular routine, a schedule of some sort. Having a working routine will be a needed step to getting me back to some semblance of a normal life. I knew this and that is why I wanted to be regular about the blog, It has just been hard to keep myself on task, for which I am greatly sorry. I'll do my best to do better here on out.

I wish you all the best and hope the year ahead is better than the year behind for everyone.

Sincerely,

Joshua

Happy New Year everyone

I hope the year ahead is better than the year behind, I hope that things improve in everyone's life. I hope that the changes coming are for the best.

I fear the change, and worry that it won't be good. I fear the new year, and what surprises it holds. Hope and Fear intermingled, I guess that is what life is for everyone.